Thursday, January 14, 2010

One of those days...

I'm tired of chasing... I'm tired, and I can't keep up with it. I read something today, and it said to remind myself "I am worth more" I wish I could believe that.

I'm done chasing, and I'm just going to sit here. I don't expect anyone to come and find me or chase me down. I'm just going to sit here.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Its long, but worth it.

4 years ago I left this town I called home to move to Bourbonnais (how I then pronounce ber-bonus) IL. At the time I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no clue what to expect or how things were going to turn out. I had no idea at the time that I would fall in love with my chosen major. I had no idea I would meet the best friend I have ever had. I had no clue that I was going to meet so many people that have influenced my life in such a dramatic way. I had no idea that my relationship with God would be poked, prodded, tested, strengthened and grown so dramatically. I decided that I needed to spend some time reflecting on my last four years because I don’t want to miss one lesson or one moment that meant something to me. Now obviously I am not going to go into every single moment of the last four years that would to FOREVER.

The first thing I have realized is that I would not be where I am if it wasn’t for the people that God has blessed my life with. If I can walk through campus and recognize a face, any face, chances are you have impacted my life in some way. I have never been more grateful for the people in my life. I have the greatest friends that a girl could ever ask for.

My roommates this year I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them. This year began as one of the hardest times of my life and because of them, I got through it, knowing that everything was going to be ok, knowing that they had my back and that whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on they were there. Not to mention the late nights staying up talking, the study breaks for dance videos, all the talk about how we were going to work out and save money by cooking in our apartment all the time. And who could ever forget all the late nights with Lyds screaming, Kate snoring, and Hayley well Hayley never really did much at night. During the year we decided that we don’t live in the real world, because well what 21 year olds do you know that still think that Santa Clause and the Easter bunny came to their apartment? From planning weddings, to dealing with heartbreaks my roommates and I have been there for each other whenever need be. They telling me they will beat people up for me, being mad with me, being sad with me, and always looking out for me. I could not have asked for better roommates and best friends! I love them to death and they have challenged me in my walk with God in tremendous ways. From seeing Hayley and Tim’s relationship so build on Christ, Kate’s constant prayer life and trust in God when everything is falling apart, and Lydia’s huge heart and determination to be all that she can be they have inspired me to be a better person. I feel so blessed to have such amazing friends!

My best friend. Oh Bobe, honestly I don’t even know where to begin with that girl. She is my soul mate and I honestly believe that. All growing up I had really great friends, but I never felt like I had a real best friend, someone that was just my best friend and no one else’s. That may sound childish or immature, but it is something that I always wanted. And one day my next door neighbor came out of her dorm room and things have never been the same. We have cried so many tears, we have laughed more than anyone could ever imagine. We have a bond that cannot ever be broken. From car rides home from Toledo, My car almost killing us about 1million times, starting conversations with “this might be to information but…” She gets me. She knows what I am going to say before I even say it. I know that she is the person that will always always be there, I know that no matter what happens to me, what stupid thing I do next she’ll be there supporting every decision I make, even if she doesn’t agree with it. We have gone through a lot together, oh my gosh have we gone through a lot together. I have no idea what I would ever do without that girl. You know people say that whoever you marry is the person that God has made for you. I truly believe that when God created Sarah Shea he had me in mind. I would not be the person I am if it wasn’t for that girl. I could never thank her enough for being such an amazing woman. I cannot wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us. We will be the old ladies in wheelchairs sitting next to each other in the nursing home. I honestly believe that.

How could I ever forget about those who have gone through the insaneness of ATEP with me. The seniors in my class; Ky, Kristi, Trish, Chris. We have been through it all together. We went into the program wanting to change it for the better, and I think we have accomplished our goals. I won’t forget all the times we have spent in class together, all the times we have spent freaking out about Brian’s tests together, through all the hours we have spent in the training room I honestly believe we have a bond that can never be broken. You are all going to make AMAZING athletic trainers I cannot wait to hear all the stories of crazy injuries and illness you all get to deal with!!!! It wasn’t just the seniors that have helped me through the program. In our program it is hard not to become close to those that work closely with you. Holly has been there every step of the way this year. Calling her after breakups or calling her after something dramatic happened in the training room. I am surprise that girl is not sick of me yet. I of course can’t forget all of our inside jokes, and the one time I told her that I wasn’t going to graduate and she was happy for me? I don’t know. She has made my year soo much more exciting and so much better. I love her to death. All of the other students from sophomore to senior have helped me become a better athletic trainer and a better person. They have all challenged me and my knowledge and I know, because of them, I am going to be a great athletic trainer.

Even though things might not have ended the way we were expecting them to, Steve has been a huge part of my life for such a long time. Not only in the last two year, try the last seven. Who knew that someone licking the side of my face while I was sleeping would take us up and over all the mountains, hills, through the valleys, across the rivers and anything else you can think of. We have been through it all together. My relationship with God has grown to heights that I never thought it would reach and a lot of it has to do with my relationship with Steve. Because of him I am a much better person, student, Christian, woman, friend, and for the next lucky guy, girlfriend. He knows me better than anyone else in this world, and while that scares me sometimes I know that if I ever needed anything he would be there for me. Some think I am crazy because of the relationship that he and I have. What I have learned is that the bond he and I have can never be broken. What we have is so much more than an ex-relationship. He is one of my best friends, whether I like it or not Steve is never going to go away. Trust me a lot of times I want him too, but God has put him in my life to make me and him a better person. We have been through so much, he has done so much for me and my family I could never ever forget about him. I was in the car with my step mom the other day and we were talking about him, and she sat there and told me how Steve will always mean a lot to her and her family. One of the most important things he has ever done for me is when he went to my uncle’s funeral when I couldn’t be there because I was at school. I don’t care what anyone ever says about him, he’s an amazing guy. I know that not everyone understand and I don’t expect them to. He is going to make a great doctor someday, I am so proud of the person he is and all he has become. My life would be crazy if he wasn’t in it.

There are two more people that have been a big part of my life for the past two years, and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be a college graduate. April and Brian, If it wasn’t for them I would have never made it through the program. Brian, although sometimes scary, is one of the most encouraging people I have ever met. He isn’t scary because he wants to make us cry (and trust me he has made me cry) but he is challenging us to become all that we can be. Brian sees what a lot of people don’t see. He can look beyond our grades and our test scores and see what kind of athletic trainers we can be. He has always had faith in me, and that means everything in the world and more to me, because a lot of times I didn’t think I would ever make it. His faith and all that he has gone through has challenged me to become a better person, not only did he challenge me to be a better trainer but a better Christian. I want to be the role model that Brian is, when I look at him I first see a man following Jesus, I now see a father and husband, and then an athletic trainer. I am so glad I got to spend a little bit more time with him and his family this year. Nora Kate is a lucky little girl. I am so excited to get to spend more time with him and his family! And I cannot wait to see that little girl grow up. I think I have spent more time on April’s couch in the past three years than I have spent on my own. Whether it is boy issues or me thinking that I am going to not graduate she has always listened to me no matter how busy she might be. I honestly don’t think I would have ever gotten through athletic training if it wasn’t for her. She was constantly encouraging me and inspiring me to do better. She knows when to cut the crap and just tell me how it is. Without her knowing it she has inspired me to be all that I can be. I see April and I am instantly inspired, One day I hope to be half of what she is. Her passion for the students in the program, her love for athletic training, and her compassion to help people, I don’t know how she balances it all. April hasn’t just been my teacher. She has been my therapist, my mentor, and a great friend. I can’t wait to spend the next two year with her, and I really think in 2 years I will be saying the same thing; I could have never done it without her.

I could never forget about how much my mom has helped me. From me balling my eyes out hyperventilating because I don’t think I am going to pass a test, to telling her that I’m Quiting School, to calling her homesick. She has been there through everything. She is the best Mom a girl could ever ask for. I think the most important think about her is knowing how proud of me she is. She does a good job of showing that. She has so much faith in me, I honestly think that she believe I can do anything. Now I know that I have limits but knowing that she thinks anything is possible makes me think that one day I might be able to fly. She’s the best mom in the world, I feel bad about all the times I never saw her that way, the times I never realized that she was right. I love my mom more than anyone. She the best mom ever.

Most of all throughout the years, esp this one. I know that with God all things are possible. I have wanted to prove to myself that I can do it. I wanted to prove to myself that I can be more than I thought I could be. I have always wanted to achieve my goals and I feel like I always fall short. But this year I did it. I graduated college, with a better GPA than I expected, with a Job. And just knowing that I am going to be ALL I can be. I know that great things are in store for me. And I cannot wait to see what they are!!! I am so excited about my life. As my roommates would mockingly say about me “I love my life!” I cannot wait for the next step. I am going to be a GA. I still can’t believe it. I know that God is going to use this in so many ways I am just very excited to see what happens. I have given it all to God. My he do with it what he will.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Love Love Love North Carolina

I have been in North Carolina since Christmas Day! I always loved visiting here but this was a very special visit.

I came to visit my aunt (grandma judy's sister) and family that I have not seen in eleven years!!! That is a really looonnnggg time. It has been such a wonderful visit. Everyday we have sit around the table and just talked all day long. Today was especially interesting to me because I was learning a lot about the women in my family I did not know. I knew the women before me had it rough but I never realized how rough they had it. It really helped me to see why all the women in my family are the way they are. I am not kidding when I say that all the women on my mom's side of the family (with one acception) were in abusive/bad/scary marriages or relationships. It was really hard to hear about some of the things that they went threw because it was stuff that you see on TV, it was the things that happen to other people, never you. Like I said before it made me realize why the women in my family are they way they are. As sad and heartbreaking it was to hear that my loved ones went through this, it is also wonderful to see how far they have come and what they have achieved. I feel so blessed to come from such an amazing group of women. I just hope one day I can become as beautiful and strong as they are!!!

After hearing all that I heard tonight, I made a promise to myself, and to them that I am going to break this trend of abuse in my family. For all the women before me that I have endured that pain emotinoally and physically, I am going to stand up for myself because they have taught me too.

I love my family, I would not give them up for the world. I am truly blessed and God is so wonderful, I am in awe of it all.


its all about love... jes

Monday, December 8, 2008

I'm gonna make it!

ok, last full week of the semester. I am going to make it, I think.

I have a lot to do in the next couple of days, and If I make it through this I will be on the home stretch. Finals don't scare me, it is the week before finals that scares me. Turning in projects, working with classmates on group projects, getting caught up with everything that needs to be done. The Good news is there is a great reward at the end of it all! 1 month of no school!

After this semester I really have to buckle down, I have to start studying for my boards and looking for a job! YIKES! I have great confidence that both of these things, while they are going to control my entire life next semester, are going to turn out better than I can imagine!

wow, 1 more semester left of school. crazy ehh?



its all about love... jes

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving...

Did you know that Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday?


Well if you didn't know, now you do! Today was a good day. I had a lot of fun with my family and ate lots stuffing (one of my favorite foods by the way). I think one thing I did not do is reflect on how thankful I am. One of the things I am most thankful for is my family. My family really really really loves me. I got to surprise my brother when I came home on Friday. He didn't know that I was coming home, he didn't think the was going to see me until Christmas! But i showed up at the house and he was so happy and so surprised! He grabbed onto me and didn't want to let go. I love that kid more than anything in this world, I would do anything for him. Then on Sunday I went to see my Dad and Angie. My Dad really missed me this semester!!!!!! He told me that he had a rough time and he missed me a lot!!! That right there gosh I don't know how to describe the feeling, if you knew about my past you would understand more I think. Just know that it was a big deal to me! Today I saw my other Grandma (Dad's mom) and she was sooo happy to see me! She didn't know I was coming and when she hugged my dad she told him thank you for bringing her a surprise! I had a great talk with her about my major and what I do, I think she understand it a little bit better now. OH and my cousin (jeffery, who is 13) came running down the drive way to give me a hug! That was pretty awesome, it made me feel good. Things are different this time being at home. Maybe it is because I am graduating soon, but I just feel older and just not like a little kid anymore. After dinner at Grandma Betty's I went to Aunt Annettes! MY FAVORITE SIDE OF THE FAMILY i think. I love them so much, and they are such good scencere people, and I am not a blood relative of theirs, I am just a step child, but it has never been like that with them. They have loved me like i was their own from the moment I was born. I love my step mom, we have great conversations and she really supporst any decision I make. For some people, if anyone reads it, you might not understand or all this might not seem like a big deal that it is just how families are. Just know that all of this, for many reasons, is a big deal to me!!! This was the first thanksgiving without uncle Greg. My Aunt only cried once, and it was hard to see, I wasn't sure what to do. I knwo that he and I weren't super close but I miss him, and I was really sad to not see him there today. It was just so strange, I do miss him a lot.

Other than family I am thankful for my wonderful Friends. I have great friends that love me, and I dont know what I would do without them. I am also thankful for this year, it has been wonderful, amazing, filled with everything I would want in a senior year. I am thankful for my best friend. BOBE! who is my female soul mate and I love her to death. She understands me and that is what makes her so amazing, because I dont even have to say anything, and she just knows!!! Most of all what I am greatful for, is God, and what he has done in my life. It is amazing to be continually blessed by him, and I am so thankful for it.

I guess thats all for now.


its all about love... jes.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Blessings...

I have been wanting to start a blog for awhile, but I never got around to it. Well tonight seemed like the perfect night, because I want to share with all of my friends some really awesome stuff that has been going on in my life.

This semester has been full of everything you can imagine. Friends, laughter, boys, heartbreak, love, school, stressing, family, but most of all God. I cannot remember a time in my life where I have been so blessed. I realize that God has been with me throughout my entire life but he has been so clear and so evident in my life the last four months and I could not be more thankful. He has been blessing me with more things that I could ever have dreamed. I have the best roommates a girl could ask for, the best friends in the world, and a family that loves and supports me (even if some of them still don't know what my major is!). When I say God has been evident in my life, I mean like slap you in the face I am right there next to you evident. My prayers have been answered when I do not deserve it, and God continues to bless me even though I continue to screw things up.

The one thing that I am most thankful for is this:

As many of you may know, I have lived with my grandma for the last six/seven years. We have been through many ups and downs, twists and turns and things just never seem to work out for my Grandma. For those of you know her, or have heard me talk about her, this woman deserves a whole lot. She is a district licensed pastor, 65 years old, going to school to get her bachelors degree in pastor ministry. She will not even finish school until she is 67. She is the associate pastor at my church, and gets paid 1 dollar a year. She has been working in a factory for the past 18 years, and has ever disease you could probably think of include west Nile virus. She has done everything in her power to help me become a better person, she has shown me Christ and has been praying for me everyday since the day i stepped into church. She is a prayer warrior that really makes things happen (ask one of my ex boyfriends about that one!). Well with all that being said she has suffered a lot, and without getting into details about her past, I am going to focus on the present. She has been going through Bankruptcy for the past year. When my grandfather died about 10 years ago he left her with a lot of debt that she could just not handle anymore. Through this bankruptcy she was only going to be allowed to keep her car and the house. Now let me tell you a little bit about this house, it did not have have walls until about 3 years ago, the sewage drains underneath the house, it is so small it barely fits the two of us, we have had to replace all of the floors and ceilings, and it still continues to fall apart around us. That does not seem like a house someone wants to live in, but it has been my home and hers for many many years. Well we found out the other day that we were going to lose the house, which seems like a really sucky thing. But because of God and how much he cares and loves us he turned it into a blessing. In about 3 weeks, my grandma and I are going to be moving into a much nicer, much better house. She is going to be paying less for this house and it is about 200x better than the one we are living in now!!!It is right next to my brothers school, even closer to my mom's house and has a big fenced in back yard for our dogs!!! it has 3 bedrooms and a basement....... it is absolutely perfect. When we went to see the house on Sunday we were scared we wouldn't get it just because of the amount of people looking into it. But we got the phone call this morning and they offered it to us!!!!!!! AND WE ARE MOVING OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK! I honestly could cry right now. I am so thankful and so happy for my grandma!!! I serve such an amazing God.

I could keep going on abut how much God has been there for me this semester but I will leave you with that last story!


.Prayer.

its all about love.... jes